The Paradox of Choice: Why Modern Dating is Making Us More Anxious
"When you realize you’re just another swipe in someone’s dating app..."
In an era where a potential soulmate is just a swipe away, dating should be easier than ever, right? Yet, for many, the process of finding a partner through dating apps has become a source of stress, indecision, and even loneliness. The culprit? A well-documented psychological phenomenon known as the Paradox of Choice.
More Options, Less Satisfaction
Psychologist Barry Schwartz introduced the concept of the Paradox of Choice, arguing that while having more choices seems beneficial, it often leads to anxiety, dissatisfaction, and regret (Schwartz, 2004). In a world where dating apps provide an endless supply of potential matches, this effect has become more pronounced than ever.
A study published in the journal Cognitive Science found that when people are given too many options, they experience choice paralysis, where the fear of making the wrong decision prevents them from making any decision at all (Iyengar & Lepper, 2000). On dating apps, this often manifests as endless swiping, ghosting, and the feeling that "someone better" might always be one swipe away.
The Tinder Effect: Swiping Towards Dissatisfaction
Apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge encourage users to make quick judgments based on limited information. This fast-paced, gamified approach to dating fosters superficial connections and low investment in any one match. Research from Psychological Science suggests that when faced with too many options, individuals tend to devalue each choice, making it harder to commit to any one person (Mogilner, Rudnick, & Iyengar, 2008).
Celebrity culture has only amplified this effect. Figures like Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson, and Leonardo DiCaprio—who frequently make headlines for their revolving door of high-profile relationships—have helped normalize a "disposable dating" culture. Their high-profile breakups and new romances reinforce the idea that relationships are easily replaceable, further encouraging the "maximizer mindset" in modern dating.
A 2023 study from the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who rely heavily on dating apps report lower relationship satisfaction and higher levels of dating anxiety than those who meet partners through traditional means (Sumter, Vandenbosch, & Ligtenberg, 2023). The sheer abundance of choice creates an illusion that commitment means "settling"—even when a great match is right in front of us.
The Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) in Love
One of the biggest psychological challenges of modern dating is FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). When we believe there is an infinite supply of potential partners, we become hesitant to invest in one relationship. This leads to a culture of ghosting, breadcrumbing, orbiting, and perpetual singlehood, as people are caught in an endless cycle of searching rather than building.
A study by Carter and McBride (2022) in The Journal of Social Psychology found that individuals with higher FOMO scores were significantly less likely to form long-term relationships due to a fear of making the wrong choice. This aligns with the concept of decision fatigue, where repeated choices deplete willpower, making commitment even more difficult.
Additionally, terms like situationships—a term popularized on social media to describe a relationship that lacks clear boundaries—highlight the anxiety many feel about making definitive choices in dating. Pop psychology books such as Attached by Amir Levine and The Defining Decade by Meg Jay further explore how modern dating trends impact long-term happiness and psychological well-being.
Dating coach Logan Ury, author of How to Not Die Alone, refers to this as the "maximizer mindset"—a tendency to always look for the best possible option rather than appreciating what we already have. But in love, as in life, perfection is an illusion. The happiest relationships come from deep emotional investment, not endless comparison shopping.
How to Overcome the Paradox of Choice in Dating
So how do we escape the dating app doom loop? Here are a few science-backed strategies:
Limit Your Choices – Instead of swiping for hours, set a daily limit. Studies show that making decisions from a smaller, curated selection increases satisfaction (Iyengar & Lepper, 2000).
Focus on Depth, Not Breadth – Rather than spreading your attention thin across multiple matches, invest in a meaningful conversation with fewer people. Quality beats quantity (Schwartz, 2004).
Embrace "Good Enough" – Research suggests that "satisficers" (those who choose something that meets their needs rather than endlessly searching for the best) are happier in relationships than "maximizers" (Dar-Nimrod et al., 2009).
Take Dating Offline – Face-to-face connections often create stronger bonds than digital interactions. If there’s mutual interest, prioritize meeting in person (Finkel, Eastwick, Karney, Reis, & Sprecher, 2012).
Final Thoughts
Modern dating is a double-edged sword—offering endless possibilities but also creating decision fatigue and dissatisfaction. By recognizing the Paradox of Choice and making intentional dating decisions, we can shift from swiping endlessly to connecting meaningfully. After all, the happiest relationships aren’t about finding "the best," but about choosing someone and making it work.
So maybe, instead of another night of endless swiping, it’s time to take a chance on that great conversation and see where it leads.
References
Carter, M., & McBride, L. (2022). Fear of missing out and its impact on relationship formation. The Journal of Social Psychology, 162(4), 512-528.
Dar-Nimrod, I., Rawn, C. D., Lehman, D. R., & Schwartz, B. (2009). The Maximization Paradox: The costs of seeking alternatives. Personality and Individual Differences, 46(5), 631-635.
Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating: A critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66.
Iyengar, S. S., & Lepper, M. R. (2000). When choice is demotivating: Can one desire too much of a good thing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 995-1006.
Mogilner, C., Rudnick, T., & Iyengar, S. (2008). The pain of choosing: A behavioral study on decision fatigue. Psychological Science, 19(9), 975-980.
Schwartz, B. (2004). The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less. HarperCollins.
Sumter, S. R., Vandenbosch, L., & Ligtenberg, L. (2023). Swiping dissatisfaction: The psychological impact of modern dating app usage. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 198-223.
